Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
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I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Monday?
No. Next question.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake