Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
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This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”