I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
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Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.