I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
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Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Cat.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
watergate? u mean a dam??
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
look at me when i’m typing to you