6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
You Might Also Like
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?