Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
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I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.