If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
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I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I’m a bad influence on myself.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat