I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
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Monica just destroyed the internet
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist