Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
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The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
The 6 types of sex
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Ugh
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?