my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
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Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
beware of dog
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Meat Cute
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14