i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
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[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
sistine chapel
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.