fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
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principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?