i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
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Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting