“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
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Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.