Me irl
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The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.