I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
You Might Also Like
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?