Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
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“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.