I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
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What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013