Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
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[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.