@TheAlexP

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

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@jacaristar

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

@DancesWithTamis

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

@seamusmckracken

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

@Kyle1092

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

@abbycohenwl

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

@AmericanGent69

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

@CVTBaby

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

@thereverendcink

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

@Donna_McCoy

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.