* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
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At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’