* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

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My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever


With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us


Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.


Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.


There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.


Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe


{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor


Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”


I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now


I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.