@TheAlexP
@jacaristar My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
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@jacaristar 
@DancesWithTamis With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
@seamusmckracken Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
@TheAndrewNadeau Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
@Kyle1092 There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
@abbycohenwl Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
@AmericanGent69 {on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
@CVTBaby Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
@thereverendcink I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
@Donna_McCoy I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.