I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
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Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*