Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
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My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines