we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
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[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
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I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
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MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.