“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
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When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
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Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
@ candidates for local office
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You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
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[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
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I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome