If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
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CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
What the hell happened here.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
The fall of Netflix
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her: