If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…