Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
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I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.