[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
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The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Beauty and the Beast
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.