Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
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This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
#TopTip
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”