a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
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A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.