Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
You Might Also Like
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
#ParentingFacts
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.