me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
You Might Also Like
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I am yelling
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me