Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
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My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Can we not just call it Zealand now?