People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
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Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂