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One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Breaking news:
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?