Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
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I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Realize this:
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*