huge valentines day plans this year!!
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Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.