Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
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CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear