Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
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Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?