Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
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[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”