I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
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my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three