My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”