I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
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I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”