Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
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Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.