Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
You Might Also Like
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
cause of death:
autopsy.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.