“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
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doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?