5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
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I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.