My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
You Might Also Like
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing