Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
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I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?