The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
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My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
It do be feeling this way.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.