One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
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Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
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i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me